The Art of Manipulation

This whole process is taking far too long. I'm ready to go home (wherever that is) and my parents aren't working hard enough to get me there. I hear they are doing things like "taking tea" and "going on dates" and "working". Unacceptable.  Tonight, I began my auxiliary plan to manipulate my parents into bringing me home, muy pronto:


1. Gain Weight:  I continue to put on weight. I've cleared 5 pounds, 9 ounces. Almost all of it is going into my cheeks, so all of you have something to pinch. I want you invested in my homecoming as well. Start pressuring my folks. Stat! 

2. Eat Fast: I drank all 60 ml of my milk in 6 minutes flat. The subliminal message being: "Look, I eat fast. I'm easy! You want to bring me home."

3. Sleep Easy: I slept for 1.5 hours on Dad during Roo time and never even moved. My pulse was 155.0, my blood oxygen was 100%, and I didn't pee on him or spit up on him once. How can he not want to bring home such a peaceful baby?  Ask him for me. In fact, bug him every hour or two. You have my permission.

4. Cry Like the Dickens: When mom and dad got up to leave and returned me to the bassinet,  I cried. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. I cried even more than when the doctor ...  well, let's not talk about that lest I start crying again. Anyway, Mom and Dad tried to leave early tonight and I gave them what-for. I forced them to pick me up. You might even say I manipulated them. Shamelessly.

5. Be SuperCute: Its not easy to be SuperCute, but I managed. The key to a successful manipulation is the positive reward after the negative feedback. So when Dad picked me up after crying and held me again, I unleashed the full power of my "Blue Steel" look on him.  Since I can't decide which of these photos does me the most justice, I include all of them:

6. Community Organizing: Remember, the sooner I come home, the sooner you, my loyal readers, get to see this in person. Start signing petitions, leaving comments, and leaning on all the doctors you know...